Coming Out… Again

It’s a scary world… again. 

For the past couple of years I’ve been having feelings boiling up inside. Thoughts and emotions that I feel unable to express. I’m afraid to voice my opinions for fear of retaliation of who I may be and how I may be perceived to the outside world. 

I recently changed jobs because where I was felt too ‘corporate.’ I was afraid of saying anything at my job because I might be ostracized. I felt like the workplace had a singular mind-set that didn’t allow for variance of opinions and if you don’t follow the corporate mindset you pretty much shafted. As I walk past the video screens, browse the corporate Intranet pages all displaying propaganda, I felt as if I stepped in another world, another universe. I felt alone sometimes and a stranger to it all. 

My system of friends has vastly changed over the past couple of years. Some old friends (not all) who use to be aligned with me have now gasped in horror when I explain to them how I feel. Words such as ‘delusional’, or ‘crazy’ are the first things that come out of their mouths. I try to explain to them my logic, but their shouting interrupting rhetoric is the equivalent of putting the fingers in their ears with cotton jammed in-between. They don’t want to hear my opinion. To them I’m a degenerate, a disgusting display of everything they hate. Instead of wanting to hear my side, they simple want to shut me down or convert me to their way of thinking. With all the passion I try my best to calmly plea with them and to at least give them somewhat a viewpoint. 

I try to provide them facts or research. I offer to provide them articles by news sources or at least offer to track down the various bits of information. When I provide them credible evidence they shuck it off as ‘fake news’ or once again result to name calling. When I ask them to provide evidence they provide examples of their television personalities who have been shown time and time again to lie. They have no examples only regurgitated talking points they’ve been told again and again. 

This all does nothing. At the end of the day I realize these individuals (or group of people) will probably drift away, reducing contact over the next couple of years, till they are nothing more than a faint memory of a lost era of my life. 

No rational thought. No common sense. No logic.

Then there are those who do listen. While we may not agree on everything at least there are some who know how I feel. There are a few who we can correlate on specific points and agree, or choose to disagree. They will at least hear me out and welcome me to their group. I now float with a different group of friends who are a variety of different backgrounds. I feel like an adult around these individuals and even if I’m wrong on a view-point they will not shame me for it, but just try to provide justification. 

I can not hide what I feel, or my opinion. I have always run by the rule ‘don’t be a douchebag.’ I look around and try not to feel old, out of place, and out of touch with the world. 

Mostly I look around at the ‘community’ and try to determine if I will ever be accepted? There is a definite course the rest are headed towards and I feel like I’m on the life raft slowly drifting away, trying to warn them about the pending iceberg. 

I can’t change who I am. I can not relinquish myself to bad ideas because by my logic views it as incorrect. Allowing myself to succumb to their ideology would defile who I am as a person and who I am as a human being. 

I can not live this way. I can not remain silent. 

I hope someday those who ridicule me will open their minds and at least listen. I hope that the unbridle hatred they have in their hearts will turn around and maybe they can at least understand my point of view. As I’m turning 45 I never wanted to come-out again, I thought I had already done this. 

Hopefully someday the world will provide the decency to treat me in kindness for being different and having a minority with opinions and my feelings. Hopefully the science will shine through the clouds of hatred and ill-content. The facts will shine upon the face of those blinded by rage and for once they will see how wrong they really are. Then I will be respected for who I am, if they disagree with me. Hopefully someday the world will open its heart and I can be accepted for being a Gay Conservative.


About A Shanty No Lemon